


Broken

by meils121



Category: Leverage
Genre: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-09
Updated: 2013-12-09
Packaged: 2018-01-04 03:07:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1075812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meils121/pseuds/meils121
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No sane person would ever reach out and touch Eliot’s arm just then, so maybe it’s a good thing that Parker isn’t sane.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken

            No sane person would ever reach out and touch Eliot’s arm just then, so maybe it’s a good thing that Parker isn’t sane.  He feels fingertips brush against his sleeve and Eliot shudders.  It isn’t until she touches his arm that Eliot knows Parker is real and the bullets aren’t, that the bodies he can see around him are friends who died a long time ago and the screams he hears aren’t those of crying children but his own.  He doesn’t know where he is anymore.  He’s trapped between nightmares and the world is black and he can’t see anything.  He’s scared.

            He doesn’t know where he is or what he’s done and Eliot thinks for a moment that maybe it would be better if he was one of those bodies.  Maybe he would have done the world a service by dying back then.  But then Parker rests her hand on his shoulder and it takes every ounce of sanity he has left not to throw her off him.  He wants to tell her to run away from him, that he isn’t safe.  But he has never been safe to be around and Eliot wonders if he’s already signed their death warrants just by staying so long. 

            Eliot tries to focus on the hand.  He doesn’t know how much time passes until it finally starts to work.  The screaming in his head is quieter, but Eliot knows it’ll never go silent, not as long as he’s still breathing.  But now he can see Parker crouching in front of him and he knows he’s not trapped anymore.  He wonders how long she’s been there.  He wonders how long he’s been there.

            He’s never done this in front of the team.  It’s been a long time since this happened to him, and he kicks himself for thinking that maybe those demons had decided to leave him alone.  He should have known better.  The universe will never forgive him for what he’s done.  Eliot doesn’t even know if he wants forgiveness.  He just wants to know why the universe doesn’t just kill him.  It seems set on torturing him first, making him relive every painful moment over and over again until he just can’t take it anymore.  Maybe he’s too good for even the universe to kill.  Maybe the only way he’s going to die is if he does it himself.

            He doesn’t want to open his eyes and see the others.  He never wanted the others to know about this.  He’s never told them about the times he’s woken up in the middle of the night, crying and screaming and praying to a god he doesn’t believe in anymore just to make the nightmares stop.  He doesn’t want to have to explain himself to them.  And he’s scared, scared that he’ll crack and instead of just breaking down he’ll hurt one of them.  Scared that they’ll think he’s weak, that they won’t want him around anymore.  They wouldn’t be the first people to say that to him. 

            But when he does open his eyes all he sees is Parker’s blonde hair falling in front of her face.  The part of Eliot that wants him to drown in those memories thinks of the girls he left behind because he didn’t want them to have to deal with him, because he couldn’t cope hearing them say they couldn’t live with him any longer.  The part of Eliot still trying to claw his way to the surface thinks of the day he met Parker.  It’s the closest he’s going to get to happy memory just then and Eliot clings to it like it’s the only hope he has to get out of this hole. 

            “Where were you?”  Parker asks when Eliot’s not shaking anymore, and from anyone else it would have been insensitive. 

            “Pakistan.”  Eliot answers, because it’s Parker.  “2002.”

            He sees Hardison out of the corner of his eye and wonders if the he knew what Eliot was talking about, if he had read the reports of what Eliot had done. 

            “Well,” Parker says, holding Eliot’s hand tightly like if she lets go he’ll slip away again, “you’re home now.” 

            And Eliot is home, or at least at the offices.  His eyes slide to Hardison.  He’s breathing hard and staring at Eliot like he’s not quite sure Eliot’s back, and Eliot feels guilty for scaring him.  He wants to tell Hardison that he’s back, that everything can go back to normal, except Eliot tries not to make promises he can’t keep.  So he just stays silent and looks away. 

            “It was the thunder.”  Hardison says.  “I don’t know what you thought it was-”

            “A bomb.”  Eliot says.  He closes his eyes.  “We were attacked.  Killed half of the guys I was with right away.  The rest of us-”

            Eliot doesn’t know what words he’s supposed to use.  How does he tell someone that he watched his friends die, that he was supposed to die with them?  Out of the thirteen of them who had gone in, only four made it out alive.  The ones who had died quickly were lucky.  Eliot remembers the suffering, the way his friends had looked as they died slowly.  Four of them left, and Eliot knows two of the ones who made it through that day aren’t around any longer. 

            “You scared me.”  Parker says quietly.  Her hand has moved to rest over one of his clenched fists, and she lets her head drop onto his shoulder.  She should have been running away screaming after what he’d done, and instead she was curled up around him like she could squeeze the bad memories out of him.  He wishes that would work. 

            “I’m sorry.”  Eliot tells her.  It doesn’t feel like enough, but he doesn’t know what else to say.  He can’t get up just yet – a combination of his heart still pounding and Parker clinging to him – but all Eliot wants is to walk out of their lives and never look back.  He’s sick of being the person who brings his troubles to others.  He’s supposed to be the strong one.  How is he supposed to protect them when his head does things like this to him?

            “I have bad memories.”  Parker says in a conversational tone, and Eliot’s only half-listening.  “Not like your bad memories.  But sometimes I get scared and the memories start to feel real and I have a hard time breathing and all I want to do is curl up in the back of my closet and hide.”

            “Did I hurt you?”  It’s easier to ask the question than agree with Parker, but Eliot knows that Parker understands.

            Eliot felt Parker shake her head.  “I was in the other room.  You thought Hardison was, I don’t know, a friend, I guess?  You tried to get him to safety.  That’s what you kept yelling.”

            “We’re fine, man.”  Hardison says. 

            “This time.”  Eliot says.

            “Oh.”  Parker says, and she sits up so she can look Eliot in the eye.  He doesn’t like that he can’t feel her against him anymore.  She was the only thing keeping him firmly in the real world, and he feels the panic starting to rise now that she’s moved away from him.  “You can’t leave.”

            Eliot doesn’t know how Parker can be so oblivious to everything one second and understand every thought in his head the next.  “I’m dangerous.”  He says.  “What if I had thought Hardison was a threat?  I’m not in control.”

            Parker reaches out and yanks Hardison down to the floor.  She takes one of Eliot’s hands in her own, and after a moment of her glaring at Hardison, he gingerly puts a hand on Eliot’s shoulder.  It kills Eliot to see his friend scared of him.  He knows whatever happened was bad, because Hardison knows a lot of what’s he’s done and he’s never been scared of Eliot before.  

            “You can’t hurt us.”  Parker says simply.  Eliot tries to protest but Parker doesn’t let him.  “You’d never hurt your family.  You know that.  Deep down, you know that.”

            “I know that.”  Eliot says.  “But I’m not me when that happens.”

            Reasoning doesn’t work on Parker.  She’s got her own logic, and Eliot’s learned that when she decides something, it’s impossible to change her mind.  “Yes you are.”  She says.  “You’re just a little broken.  That’s okay.  We’ll find a way to fix you.”

            Eliot wants to tell her that there is no way to fix him but then Hardison is speaking.  “I’m not gonna lie, you scared me.  But the thing is, Parker’s right.  You were still you.  I didn’t think you were going to hurt me.  I was scared because I didn’t know how to snap you out of it.”

            It feels good, hearing those words.  The part of Eliot that is screaming at him to get up and walk out of their lives for good has gone quiet.  He’s still got this awful, nagging voice in the back of his head telling him he’s too dangerous a man to ever have a family, but that voice has been there a long time.  Maybe it’s time he start ignoring it.  This is the first time he’s ever had anyone sit with him while he’s come out of one of these attacks, and as scared as Eliot is that it’s not safe, he’s glad he’s got Parker and Hardison on either side of him.

            Parker isn’t sane, and Eliot’s glad.  He likes not being alone.  He likes feeling another body pressed up against him, likes knowing for sure that his friends are alive and safe.  It’s going to take some getting used to, but Eliot’s starting to think that Parker was telling the truth when she said she’d find a way to fix him. 


End file.
